Questioning My Motives

Am I saved? I honestly don't know. If by works my grade might be failure, as i see little worth in my own well doing, I just do because it makes me feel good. If by faith, I'm really screwed because according to some my faith is so messed up I don't know which way I'm walking. And if by grace and mercy, how far can a free gift be pushed before it's taken from you? Maybe I've abused the privileges afforded me by Christ's act of mercy on the cross. Who's to say. It's unfair to God and myself to boast of something I can't truly grasp. I can only accept the idea of 'salvation' for what it is and hope beyond hope that my inward righteousness is far better than my outward nature. Where would the Holy Spirit reside within a temple that questions its foundation? And does God hear the screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth inside that would go unnoticed to the rest of the world? Would He hear my inner turmoil without me uttering a single word in prayer to Him? Suffice it to say I don't speak to Him much, or read the Bible anymore. I've picked it up once or twice in the past year. I suffer to bow my head while someone else prays for a meal, much less putting myself on my knees or prostrating myself before God to pray. I refuse to act all pious and arrogant like God doesn't know who I really am. I'm fearful of His comments. He and I are likely to disagree. His view will certainly not match mine. I am often without conscious, heartless, arrogant and prideful. Quick to anger, slow to forgive, and stubborn as the day is long.

So where does this leave me? No closer to the answer than when I began. I can only hope. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.

The Balance of Power

I'm often associated with evil because I question everything that's spoon-fed to the masses about Christianity. I'm ok with this, as I've often stated 'I'm a born-again Pagan' just to further piss people off and drive them as far away from even attempting to change my mind about what I believe.

We see evil as 'the dark side' like in Star Wars, and we've all grown up with the idea of evil that makes us do those things that would separate us from the Almighty, or at the very least cost us our upright standing in the community of the self-righteous super Christians. I believe we've missed another vital point about evil that may help balance the whole picture of God, the world, the devil, and all that.

Today at a local department store I bought myself some shoes and a couple of other items, and there was a long line waiting. One woman ahead of me stayed far back from the line to the cash register leaving a huge gap that others could easily jump into. I waited patiently for her to move up but she stood fast and didn't. So, having enough of this I walked around her and got in line - filling the void. This suddenly woke her up to her situation, and woke the woman ahead of me to her plight I caused also. She said, "You cut in front of that woman." I said "Yes I did." She said "Well that's rude." I said "Yes it is." and proceeded to smile at her. I was, in a sense, evil. She then took it upon herself to call the lady up and have her get in front of herself in line, allowing her to check-out before both of us. I continued to smile and this highly confused the woman in front of me. The idea struck me (which is why i kept smiling at the lady), Evil exists to define Holiness. Without it how can you tell what's what? Evil compliments Holiness for that matter. And by my supposed evil action, I stirred the righteous (or the self-righteous) to action. Therefore, my action though perceived to be evil caused alot of good to take place. The woman got to check out ahead of two others, the woman in front of me got to do a good deed, and I got a brand new pair of shoes for 18 bucks. So maybe my action wasn't that evil after all, it was just the perception of it.

Could evil exist without God's consent? Did He not create the scenario we find ourselves in now? If it was such a big deal and something we were supposed to be sheltered from, then why wasn't Adam and Eve created somewhere other than Earth? Or why wasn't the devil and His followers put on mars or venus instead of the same freakin' place as His newly created planet, it's wildlife, and the creation made in His image? Maybe because the dividing line between the holy, His creation, and evil aren't that far apart... hmm.

Remember that Lucifer and a third of the heavenly host that were part of the uprising were cast out because of their pride saying they could overthrow God and take over the place. Pride and Envy were their downfall, not that pride or envy are necessarily evil - but because they were not put in check. There's a really fine line between evil and good. and as they say 'the devil is in the details'. Balance and moderation are the keys to everything in life, find the balance and stop worrying yourself about it all. Just be.

Chris